just a phone call

i wish i was getting a phone call this week...

i hate not knowing the future. really, it's ridiculous.

it stinks when you aren't sure if your will and God's will are going to matching up.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal." Isaiah 26:3-4

i just pray that my prayers aren't selfish. but i will continue to pray the desires of my heart. 

quarter life crisis...

this afternoon, a friend called to wish me a happy birthday and asked if i was experiencing a quarter life crisis. i told her she was about a month late. we laughed at how true it was and how silly i had been just a few weeks ago. it's funny to think how i've been reacting to the looming unknown. i mean, it's not that big of a deal. i just have to wait until april before they (a man whom i've only spoken to for 45 minutes total) will be telling me where and how i will be serving for the next year of my life. if anything, i am learning how stinkin' control hungry i am. and i am seeing my own ridiculousness. but i think i'm taking good steps in the unknown direction. i had the opportunity to be a little more proactive in my future, but i turned it down. call me crazy, but i really want to see where this whole 'call process' will put me. i want to trust that God has something in store for me that doesn't require my meddling. 

so here's to my next quarter... maybe by then i'll have some direction

i am a seeker...

Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near... "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:6, 8-9

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD. Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek. Psalm 27:4-8

some days, i'd like to say that life is ironic. but i know better. God is working in my life in a very purposeful way. i'm nervous, anxious as all get out, about the future. i have no idea what i want to do with my life as a deaconess. yet, i have a month to figure out what i want to say to the placement director. that isn't a lot of time to figure out a life direction.

today in chapel, the homily discussed the difference of seeking God's will and seeking "God's will" that is in reality my own will that i've convinced myself otherwise. i know that sounds confusing. and it is. because i attempt to call what i want to do "God's will." i'll be the first to admit that i am a seeker. i keep praying for a passion or a calling or even a neon sign blinking "go this way!" but to this point, God is silent. and i am finding myself confusing His voice with my own:

surely, God is leading me back to texas.

i should stay in st. louis where i know people.

parish work is what would be most fulfilling.

my personality would fit best in institutional work.

i always thought about going overseas.

i have to be able to say something, right? i can't just walk into the placement director's office and say, "put me wherever." can i? thomas merton is the man. his prayer is my prayer today... and probably will be until april 22, 2009.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. –Thomas Merton