i am a seeker...

Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near... "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:6, 8-9

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD. Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek. Psalm 27:4-8

some days, i'd like to say that life is ironic. but i know better. God is working in my life in a very purposeful way. i'm nervous, anxious as all get out, about the future. i have no idea what i want to do with my life as a deaconess. yet, i have a month to figure out what i want to say to the placement director. that isn't a lot of time to figure out a life direction.

today in chapel, the homily discussed the difference of seeking God's will and seeking "God's will" that is in reality my own will that i've convinced myself otherwise. i know that sounds confusing. and it is. because i attempt to call what i want to do "God's will." i'll be the first to admit that i am a seeker. i keep praying for a passion or a calling or even a neon sign blinking "go this way!" but to this point, God is silent. and i am finding myself confusing His voice with my own:

surely, God is leading me back to texas.

i should stay in st. louis where i know people.

parish work is what would be most fulfilling.

my personality would fit best in institutional work.

i always thought about going overseas.

i have to be able to say something, right? i can't just walk into the placement director's office and say, "put me wherever." can i? thomas merton is the man. his prayer is my prayer today... and probably will be until april 22, 2009.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. –Thomas Merton

using and misusing God's name...

chapel was interesting today. dr. bode challenged me to think about the second commandment in a way that i had never thought about before. i do exactly what he said most people do.

you shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

what does this mean? we should fear and love God so that we do not curse, swear, use satanic arts, lie, or deceive my His name, but call upon it in every trouble, pray, praise, and give thanks.

i try not to curse (too much). i don't find myself swearing on God's name and i stay pretty clear of satanic arts. and i don't think i lie or deceive by God's name. but then came the kicker...

do i use God's name to justify my theology? i mean, obviously, Christ should be the center of our theology, the center of our worship, the center of our lives. however, do i use God to make my point and claim that He is on my side in theological debate? granted, dr. bode did a much better job articulating this challenge. but i couldn't help think about the countless conversations i've had here or listened to where someone was convinced that they were right and that surely God had their back. it's so easy to say i'm right, that i understand God the best and what he was trying to teach us. but i am so far from that. even in ethics today, i was blown away by how much i don't know. this place continues to humble me time and time again. right now, i don't know what it means to do the "greater good" or the "lesser evil" to my neighbor... i can't even figure out who my neighbor is! but that is a side-step.

i don't want to misuse the name of the Lord. i don't want to use God to make my position sound better. i want to share the Gospel. i want to share the love of Christ with the people i know and the people i meet. that's how i want to use His name.