the unknown

the more i try to plan life, the more life shows itself to be unplanable. i didn't get to go camping in oklahoma like planned. instead, i went to a funeral of a friend. i'm still processing thru this past week. i'm not sure i even know where to begin. i walk around like i'm lost... mentally. as if i checked out a year ago and are only trudging thru the motions of a life surreal. i feel like there is always so much to do and never enough time. though if you asked me what i needed to do, i'm not sure if i could accurately tell you. i had a friend stay with me this weekend. she offers alot of peace and reason. truth and love. gosh, i just don't know what to do with myself sometimes. i worry so much about other people. i see people hurting or struggling or dying inside. i want to fix them. every one of them. and so often i neglect myself. i can't grasp when i'm not alright. until it's too much. then shut down commences. and i am unable to help others or myself. how do i keep myself from that spot? that is the unknown.